MOONLIGHT MELLOW

To be touched by the light of the moon shimmering down on us amongst the many many stars yet so alone. To be such a vivid portrait of the true meaning of forever. To sustain such a powerful presence, but go so unnoticed. To speak so clearly without any use of words. To float forever without the wings of birds. To do but never act out a verb. I AM ALONE. Segregated in plain sight. The swoop without the dive. The glide without the kite. The left without the right. ALONE... Swimming in the murky depths of nothingness, not a destiny in mind let alone in sight, paralyzed by fear yet drifting... deeper. deeper. Hungry to be noticed, yet full of lonliness I AM ALONE. Speak but never spoken for. Here, but never heard before. Plenty but always wanting more. Give me what im wanting for. Do i have to scream until the paints peel from the walls and fall to the broken floors? Do i have to speak in a language never heard or spoken before? Do i have to find the only key to a freedom beneath the sea in a world behind a door never opened before? Maybe so...

STOLEN LAUGHTER

I fly sometimes. I walk on water sometimes.I even die sometimes. Whos to say that my experience in my own mind is a lie??? I stop breathing for hours upon hours sometimes... And suddenly i remember to breathe. Suddenly i remember to care. Suddenly i remember to care about the people who were never there to care about me. I create a world of utopian bliss that fills me with laughter and joy until i am snatched back into reality by some dreaded hooded figure. He never speaks. He lurks amongst the the most darkest of corners and hides amongst the most evil of shadows. Hes never forgotten but never spoken of. He glides so patiently that it almost feels like an honor to have been blessed with his presence... But i know better. I see past the smiles and laughter. I sometimes see so deeply that i fear being traumatized by the lies buried so deep under the surface. Buried deep beneath cold colorless flesh lies the truth of the soul. The laughter the body posesses becomes a stain on the world around them so genuine that it spreads like a virus, infecting all things alive and well. Still i watch. Same hoody, same blank expression. I am alone. I am alone waiting for nothing... and it comes. Nothing always comes. I breathe a sigh as i see it progressing towards me right on schedule as it always is. Smiling.... Smiling so broadly that i smile too. I lose again today as i always do.I smile for the approaching evil as if i have been presented with a surprise gift of my liking. I lose. I always lose. I always will...

How would it feel to look at life through the eyes of fate, or foresee your own death through the eyes of evil??? Could we comprehend the plan? Could we take in the sight of our own death and go on living life normally??? How would you explain it to someone without making it sound like a suicide; sure enough if you die in the precise manner that you predicted most would believe it to be suicide. How does it feel to actually

LOVE = IMPENDING DOOM

"I love you". The most commonly misused quote amongst our time... Did you notice? Did you one day stare off into the eyes of the love of your life only to find that their once soulful illuminating eyes had gone dark and shallow? You no longer gave them the strength and dreaminess that they'd once posessed. How do you recover from something so vague and heartbreaking. Who do you turn to when the only person who has ever cared for you has become the very reason for your pain? Who do you run to when life comes to a screeching halt only to reverse back into the familiar neighborhood of lonliness? Somebody somewhere is watching. Somebody somewhere cares. Who sees farther than the pain, the suffering? You do. Nobody sees like you do. Nobody sees the sea like the sea shore sieze the sea. Nobody. Praying takes its toll. Depression settles. Perscriptions are filled... and misused. Sleep blocks reality. Reality becomes alcohol. The label reads : "!!WARNING!! DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL". Sleep becomes permanant. Unanswered questions. A life forgotten to the true meaning of the word "LOVE". LOVE = IMPENDING DOOM... Read it and weep.

THERE"S ALWAYS A BEGINNING

Sometimes reality takes its toll. Sometimes i lose myself in my own mind, wandering for days, exploring the lonely man behind the curtain, in search of answers to questions i have yet to ask. What would it be like to view the most vicious of people through their own web cam without them knowing? Most call it voyeurism, i call it reality at its peak. A lonely man is most himself when alone. We believe that we know someone until we barge in at the most revealing of times... "Ha... I caught you. Explain yourself". The dark only hides so much. The buried can easily be dug up. Why shelter ourselves in our own minds??? Rain in the sunshine. Being found out becomes your biggest fear. You smile when tears are more nescessary. You parade amongst the back row when scared of being called upon. You glide only on the toughest of surfaces, confident that you will never fall through until.... The tears come. The fear is released. The smile fades, revenge takes its place. Who's responsible? The sad truth settles in. I AM WHO I AM. They now know me. No more living beneath the surface, avoiding the radar. I AM FREE. Free to soar as a bird in the sky so high... that im scared to look down. Im scared of the past. Im scared of the fact that i am revealed. The fact that i no more wear the cloak of incognito. Somebody saw. Someone pulled the cloak from my being. "SURPRISE", they yelled. Silence followed. Mouths agape. Staring... Staring... The dreadful staring. They seen me. THEY SEEN ME. There is a new beginning at every end you just have to turn around. Someone always sees. But there's always a beginning.

THE SQUARE AMONGST THE CIRCLES

Im not gone compromise my identity to make it easier for the people who never gave a fuck in the first place. I am who I am. I will not stunt, front, or smile for someone in hopes to further myself in the "IN CROWD". Nobody gives a fuck. You are who you are. Never let the mouth of someone who has and will never have anything, tell you how to be yourself. Around here drama usually starts as a conversation attempt. Its not always about someone trying to get shit started, but more about trying to degrade everone around them until they feel that they are better than someone else, while avoiding the real problem... "My life is fucked up". Sometime the answer is closer than we make it. Sometime we see past the answer in search of more problems. Life is far too short to lower yourself to the ridicule. Be you. If you do it long enough, you will find more people like you. Dont be the square that shaved off all his corners to fit in with the circles. Do you. Its easier to be you alone than it is to live life as a fraud...

OBLIVIOUS TO THE OBVIOUS

How don't we ever see the obvious? How do we function so normally amongst tragedy? Its like our bliss never ceases. Our days glide along so dancingly throughout the misleaded dimensions of false reality we call "The Truth". Nobody warns us of the many starvation deaths to come that day in some third world country... Somehow that doesn't make it non-existent. Its easier to ignore than it is to prevent, always has been and always will be. No-one speaks of the 8yr old soldier boy who had to kill off his entire family to prove his worthiness... To save his own life. Nobody fears the unknown. Yet everyone fears the unknown. Time is never wasted only deprived, it continues rather we want it to or not. Clockwork. So bold to use that word in referring to death. Clockwork. Time is everything, nothing escapes. We smile until the end.... Then we weep. If only life was always as easy as staying OBLIVIOUS TO THE OBVIOUS...

THE INVISIBLE FATHERS... WHO STAYED

Forever forgotten, yet standing in plain sight. Look at me. IM HERE. Doing what i got to do for my family. WHO'S WATCHING? Nobody... nobody sees, nobody looks as usual, not knowing that their very dismissal of me is whats leading me to become a father astray. Am i wrong for wanting to be addressed as the father of my own kids? Am i wrong for being upset that i am looked down upon, as if i cant love my own children as much as a mother can? Why am i never asked the questions in the doctors offices? Wasn't i there? Didn't they see me? They stare past me like i'm a window screen, searching for someone who better fits the description of a person who is supposed to be the "more suitable parent", the mother. They conversate, she smiles and nods her head in agreement, i watch from the furthest deepest crevice in the darkest corner of the room where i immediately make friends with the spiders and cashew peanut that was dropped and never found. The conversation ends. I crawl to me feet, dust myself off and thank my new friends for the wonderful time i had and assure them that we will do it all again sometime. I rush off and join her side. "How'd you get so dirty"? she ask. "long story, ill tell you later", i reply. Later never comes. Forever forgotten, Yet standing in plain sight i sit and wait in agony for the appology of a mother, whom has no idea that she has done anything wrong. Should i have to remind her that i would like to be treated like the father that i am. Am i forever cursed to this cloak of invisibility? Who knows? I can't change the opinion of society. I cant put my life on a loud speaker for the world to hear. But i can wear this title and wear it proudly. Though i may be invisible to the world, i will always be seen as father by my children. So with that, here is my personal tribute to THE INVISIBLE FATHERS WHO STAYED. It's better to be invisible than not to be at all.

The Beginning of the Future

... To be beyond or beneath? To sustain or regain? Forever trapped behind the walls that we have built around ourselves, we wait. Nothing comes, nothing goes... silence. We hush ourselves in hopes of more silence. "Maybe someone will hear my silence..." Doesn't make sense. Does at the time, thats all that really matters. No-one is watching, no-one is waiting... The truths begans to set in. You are as free as you make yourself. You no longer have to be only a listener. Speech becomes imperrative. Once lost but never forgotten, the phoenix once again emerges from the ashes of the flames that initially claimed its life. The beauty amongst destruction. The way the world comes together in times of tragedy. The absoulte uncertainty of what tomorrow holds. We are the eye of the beholder. We are the smiles of strength. We are the backbone of reality, the vitality of the future. We are... The begining.

The Patients of Impatience

Its like we tag along forever expecting the world to pull our weight. We die far before our souls leave our body, some of us are aware others aren't. We pace and we pace, searching our shallow depths for the answers to questions that others has had to ask for us. Failure commences once again, tearing away any fiber of confidence your fragile being has ever posessed, dominating your total thought, leaving you nothing more than a sack of disregarded skin and bone. Your vision blurs as you stare through your constant flow of tears at a photo of someone who has never loved you but instead devoted his/her life to making yours a living hell. Love shields you from the truth despite the many times you have nearly lost your life to this person. Somewhere along the lines you settle yourself amongst the lessor of two evils, fighting for the right to love and be loved yet you never tend to see the obvious, you are the only one loving, no-one has ever loved you. Patience... Not here. Wrong word. Impatience. All morals are forgotten. Because of impatience we are driven out of Paradise, because of impatience we cannot return. Who's to say that our progress will supercede those of the many who has tried and failed miserably? Who's to say that we wont somehow get lucky and maintain our faith and sublte confidence and push past the debris? All that I am saying is that in the end all detour signs take you to the same place through a diffferent route, its up to you to choose your destination...

ARE YOU A PATIENT??????

THE REALITY OF REJECTION

Its like so much of nothing matters anymore. They say that so much of your childhood is devoted to finding who you truly are when the reality is its more about creating who you really want to be. Sometimes shit surface faster than you want it to causing you to appear more vulnerable than you really are. But even though you know that you arent what people expect you to be, we always tend to fall into that pattern that the've laid out for us. We expect so much from other people while staying so oblivious to the fact that we have done nothing to gain that level of respect or companionship. You have to give a little to get a little. My reality is much different than i may portray it to be. Its like im the go to guy, which most people may love but i loathe. I hate being the only who knows the answer because somewhere along the line everyone becomes dependant of me and my answers... Only called when im needed. "cant make it", now somebody mad at me like i let them down, when the truth is that they let themselves down. "freinds" dont exist where im from, only people you know and people you dont know. Why hide the truth and die with the facts? Its not worth it. Everone knows the answers, but no-one admits to truth. The biggest cover-up throughout history... Truth... The truth behind THE REALITY OF REJECTION.